Muscatine

Subject: Swine flu tips

If you are currently breathing, you are at risk! Here are some tips:

Swine flu tip #1: Somewhere, right now, someone is asking if they can
get swine flu from bacon. Don't be that guy.

Swine flu tip #2: You can get swine flu if living closely with
infected swine. So, ladies, if your man's a pig, good time to let him
go.

Swine flu tip #3: You cannot get swine flu by watching Porky Pig
cartoons. Only slight chance of bird flu from Daffy Duck.

Swine flu tip #4: Media hype inversely proportional to actual threat.
So, if they stop talking about swine flu, that's when you should worry.

Swine flu tip #5: Flying Pig Marathon is unlikely to create swine flu
problem. Just don't lick other runners.

Swine flu tip #6: If you feel ill, assume it's the swine flu and
you're going to die. No matter what anyone else says. You're doomed.

Swine flu tip #7: If you're going to cough or sneeze, cover the mouth
of everyone within 60 feet of you. Duct tape works well.

Swine flu tip #8: You will not get swine flu by Googling "swine flu".
You might get a virus, but it won't be swine flu.

Swine flu tip #9: That whole thing about you can pick your friends,
and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' nose?
That's some good advice right now

Swine flu tip #10: Watch a lot of FOX NEWS. They'll be all over this;
nobody does a better job at exhaustively informing you of multiple ways
to die than they do.

Swine flu tip #11: Stay at home. If you don't go outside, it can't
get you. Make the swine flu work for you: Call in sick today.

Swine flu tip #...hold on, I just sneezed, I'm calling the CDC. I'll
get back to you later...if I can.