Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, your biggest fan

Speaking of alcohol ....where is our beloved DF?

Dear nedl,

Thank you for your letter of support. I recognized your orange-crayon scrawl immediately. (And if I needed any further proof that the letter was from you, the beer-induced vomit scent emanating from where you licked the envelope's seal left no doubt.) I appreciate your kind words and would be glad to address your grievances, but I'm afraid I have a few requests of my own, if you would be so kind.

1. Please stop using me to make the old lady down the street look like Scarlett Johansson. Quite frankly, the amount of alcohol needed to transform her into Miss Johansson can be dangerous to even the largest of beasts, let alone human beings. Not to mention, it makes me feel cheap when you use me for sex.

2. I don't swim well and my union benefits include a no swimming clause so I would prefer it if you wouldn't ingest so much of me at one time that you feel it necessary to expel me into the toilet bowl on a nightly basis. Any more of this behavior and I'm afraid I'll have to file a grievance through my union boss.

3. Put some damned pants on. I realize that it's just me and you most nights, but do I have to look at your hairy legs and dirty underwear all the time? Hell, I'd be happy if you'd just cover up with an afghan or something. I like hanging out and watching a ball game as much as the next guy, but c'mon. A little modesty, please.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well and sober and I hope that we can come to some sort of an agreement on the terms of our continuing friendship. I will await your reply no later than 6:00 pm on Friday, as I am the guest of honor at a local frat party and expect to be busy throughout the rest of the weekend due to the NBA and NHL playoffs.

Thank you,

Al C. Ohol

   Well. I never!