Muscatine

KISS all your troubles goodbye! Damnitol(TM), the new wonder drug from Gorko Technologies, promises to alleviate dozens of the most common everyday aches, pains, and annoyances, including:

Coughs
Sneezes
Wild Beaver Attacks
Morton's Toe
Headaches
Big Headaches
Shoulder Cramps
Menstrual Cramps
Tongue Cramps
Nostril Cramps
Forgetfulness
Wild Beaver Attacks
Ingrown Toenails
Outgoing Toenails
Inflamed Eyelashes
Taxes
Bitmap Printer Output
Fatigue
Creativity
Depression
Undue Happiness
Pain in the Third Vertebrae from the Bottom
That Feeling of Deja VU
and Wild Beaver Attacks

Damnitol's patented formula virtually eliminates all these problems because it blocks all sensory input! Not only that, but it blocks almost all outgoing neural impulses as well, leaving you in a warm, fuzzy, drug-induced stupor from which not even a nuclear detonation can awaken you! It's like spending 8 to 12 hours in a giant, lead-lined sponge! Of course, Gorko Technologies cannot be held responsible if you misuse our product. We've found in lab tests that many uninformed Damnitol users make the mistake of trying to actually ingest Damnitol. This is not recommended. The correct way to enjoy the great relief of Damnitol is to have someone bludgeon you repeatedly with the bottle until you slip into a state of painless, unconscious bliss. For industrial-strength pain, try new 24-pound Damnitol. It's made from old, melted-down iron ingots and promises to obliterate even the most persistant unpleasant (or pleasant!) sensations. Damnitol is available exclusively at your neighborhood Al's Drug Bonanza. Give Damnitol a try! You'll never know what hit you!