Muscatine

Let’s face it. Being a Liberal isn’t as easy as it used to be. There are so many rules to follow, so many people to please. You want to be a strict observer of all things Left, but it’s tough. Well, we here at the Carolina Review are all about making you happy, so we have decided to make things a little more bearable for everyone. If you obey these commandments, you can truly call yourself a good Democrat.

1)      Thou shalt not put any Obama before Obama.

The Chosen One deserves to be the topic of every conversation and the object of our greatest affection. When you make decisions throughout the day, you should first reflect on what Obama would do. Those especially good lefties own shirts featuring His face, and even bracelets proclaiming “Obama is my homeboy” or  “Real men love Obama.”

2)      Thou shalt be so open-minded that thy brain falls out.

It is inherently sinful to not be open to all things. You’re willing to try any drug? Good for you! You “love the female orgasm”? How commendable! You’re a Christian? Sorry, we are not open-minded to close-mindedness…

3)      Thou shalt be PC.

You Mac users are outraged right now. But don’t worry, I am referring to being “political correct.” To do this, think long and hard about all the people you will hurt before speaking. For instance, don’t use words like “cook” or “clean”, because sometimes women get offended by those. Also, don’t call freshmen “freshmen,” since that might make them feel like they are not sophomores, juniors, or seniors.

4)      Thou shalt not advocate theft, unless it is from the rich.

It’s not like any wealthy people ever worked hard for their money. We have the civic duty to take from the upper class and give it to those who have been less successful. Haven’t those capitalist pigs ever heard of sharing?

5)      Thou shalt be appalled when someone holds opposing views as you.

Although this one may seem contradictory to Commandment #2, you can rest assured. We are Liberals, and therefore not hypocrites. If you hear someone criticizing any of Obama’s policies, your instinctive response should be to gasp. Then, you must cover your ears and scream “LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING!” For more creative reactions, see Haley Koch.

6)      Thou shalt judge one Republican a day to be racist.

This is especially true when they make a more logical argument. If they say anything negative about illegal immigration, or perhaps debunk our healthcare myths, let everyone know that they are racist. It is impossible to oppose law breaking and redistribution of wealth without being a xenophobic bigot.

7)      Thou shalt convulse at the mentioning of Youth for a Western Civilization.

One knows that they are indeed a true liberal when they subconsciously shudder whenever YWC appears in the news. Forget that their leader is Indian; they defend western thought, therefore they must be white supremacists. That’s deductive reasoning too, so you know it’s right.

8)      Thou shalt not question science.
Science is not a method, it is absolute truth. Theories are constantly changing, but we must accept them in their current form as fact, teach them in school with no alternative, and have blind faith that one day the many gaps will be filled.

9)      Thou shalt treat every action as it is detrimental to the environment.

Did you know UNC uses coal to produce some energy? Jeepers! That must be raising the global temperature by an entire trillionth of a degree! Thankfully, the Sierra Club is rallying against it. No matter it emits substantially less nitrogen, sulphur, and carbon dioxides from the previous means of obtaining power- it is coal so it has to be bad!

10)   Thou shalt read the Daily Tar Heel religiously.

Much of our doctrine comes from the DTH. Every morning when you wake up, you should cross yourself, thank Obama for this daily bread, and recite passages to your peers. Beware of the editorials though- sometimes there may be a conservative article. In such a case, avoid making eye contact with it and blame the Carolina Review.