Muscatine

Well, the new year is now on us, and we all wish for peace on earth. The reality, however, could be somewhat different………


JANUARY……… Students re-commence rioting….er, sorry… peacefully demonstrating after the Christmas break. In the first peaceful demonstration of the new academic term, four police horses are injured, 15 constables require hospital treatment and 20 million pounds worth of damage to property is done. One student is injured when he runs face first into the statue of Winston Churchill in Parliament Square whilst attempting to evade a police snatch-squad. The National Union of Students condemns the police for “Violent crowd control tactics”


FEBRUARY…… Wikileaks releases an authenticated private memo from President Obama to Hilary Clinton that says “Britain is a totally shit country, the British people are retards and their army is a waste of space, but they’re useful for exploiting, so we’ll keep screwing the dumb assholes”. Prime Minister Cameron says “I condemn Wikileaks for attempting to damage the warm bonds of close friendship and co-operation that exist in the special relationship between our countries”


MARCH…… Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is released when it is discovered that the charges against him were completely trumped up shortly after he started releasing documents criticising the US and British governments actions in Afghanistan. The day after his release, yet more revelations about the war are placed on the internet and Assange is promptly re-arrested, this time accused of possessing child pornography.


APRIL……. The Royal Wedding of Prince William to Kate Middleton produces a wild outbreak of national joy and celebration amidst global TV coverage and fifteen page “specials” in the national press. On the same day as the wedding, the government cunningly announces measures that will cause 250’000 job losses and cuts 100 state benefits. A helicopter gunship machine guns a school playground in Helmand Province and missiles are fired into a hospital and an old people’s home just outside Kabul. These events make it onto page 17 of the Milton Keynes Advertiser but receive no coverage on the BBC or in any of the national dailies.


MAY….. The FA Cup Final between Manchester United and Chelsea is the most boring match in the history of football, lit up only when United superstar striker Dwayne Fatwallet is red carded for bringing down a Chelsea defender with a sliding tackle to both knees followed by a series of short left jabs to the back of the head. United boss Sir Alex Ferguson criticises the referee for showing the red card: “Referees are always picking on Dwayne” he moans.


JUNE….. Andrew Murray wins Wimbledon. The Centre Court is invaded by wildly delirious, celebrating Scottish tennis supporters who vandalise the stadium, and in their joy, dig up lumps of turf and pull the net down. Claims are made that Murray is fleetingly seen to smile but none of the photographers are quick enough to capture the event and it is passed off as an unsubstantiated rumour.


JULY….. The second part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is released. Director David Yates is defiant over criticisms that too much “adult realism” has been introduced into the story line. Hermione’s advanced pregnancy, Ron’s battle to overcome alcohol abuse and Malfoy’s penchant for unnatural practices with farmyard animals are justified by Yates: “This is what kids want to see in the 21st Century”.


AUGUST….. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is released from custody after the charges of possessing child pornography are dropped as totally groundless. After his release, another batch of embarrassing revelations are put out on the internet and the following day, he is re-arrested again on the grounds of being a serial axe murderer and sadistic torturer of newborn kittens.


SEPTEMBER….. J K Rowling has become a depressive recluse and, finding her life to now be totally meaningless decides to write another Harry Potter book. Titled “Harry Potter and the Nervous Breakdown” the book consists of 300 pages of the words Zibby Zabby Zoo repeated over and over. Within a week it has sold more copies than The Bible and heads the international Best Sellers list.


EARLY OCTOBER….. Amidst growing public protests in the US demanding the withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan, The Pentagon releases a video that they say is genuine and was made in the last 48 hours, which they say shows Osama bin Laden personally supervising the manufacture of thermonuclear weapons which can be fired on US cities with less than six minutes warning.


MID OCTOBER…… The badly decomposed body of Osama bin Laden is discovered in a shallow pit in an area of Afghanistan controlled by US troops. The skeletal remains can only be positively identified by DNA analysis. The US government says this changes nothing in their “determination to overcome terror”.


NOVEMBER….. Julian Assange is released from prison yet again, but mysteriously disappears within minutes of leaving police custody. His body is found the following day, floating face down in the Thames with his hands tied behind his back and a single gunshot wound to the back of the head. A verdict of suicide is pronounced at the scene. The body is then taken for immediate cremation.


DECEMBER…… Political leaders of all parties on both sides of the Atlantic are satisfied that 2011 has been a “good year” for peace and democracy and call upon the leaders of other countries to follow the USA’s lead in promoting friendship, peace, justice, democracy and civilised family values.

And, I would expect, that December of 2011, is completely due to the Republicans being in leadership.