Everyone go put on your Sunday go to meeting duds, we are going to have a memorial service for Judy Juggs. Go on, git. Go get changed. And Frazzled, go put on a pair of Depends. You're going to need it for this one.
Is everyone back? Good.
Thank you all for coming out today. I am Rev. Opie.
Friends we are gathered here together at the Neighborhood Link Chapel to say goodbye to a friend, a dear companion and a servant to us all. While most of us didn't know Judy personally, (at least not like Nedl did!) she was a servant to all of us. Nedl is a very dear friend to all of us, and like all of us he has his good days and his bad days. Hell, let's face reality here sometimes he can be a downright curmudgeon, a surly old grouch, a pain in the ass. Judy was a servant to all of us by helping calm Nedl down, lessening his burdens and making him feel oh so good in the happy place. We all owe her a great debt of gratitude.
When she was young she was tight, and firm and full of bounce. But as she got older and Nedl's lung capacity diminished so did Judy's figure. In the end she was a bit saggy, bags under her eyes, her once perky breasts now nothing more than birthday balloons three days after the party, but still a faithful companion to our grieving friend. Her life was not an easy one. She had a few mishaps along the way. Once she had a little prick, (no not Nedl.) But she always patched up and she was as resilient as rubber, she always bounced back. For a woman whose mouth was always open, she didn't speak much. She wasn't that demanding of a person. Just a little Vaseline every once in a while to keep her from drying out, and she was happy. She did have a case a few years back of vinylorrea. An STD caused by Nedl using the same condom over and over again. But Nedl took her to the Goodyear dealer and they douched her with some 5W30, and fixed her right up. Then there was the scare where they thought she was pregnant, going to have a bouncing baby. But that proved to be just gas. (Too much carbon dioxide from all the beer.)
So my friends we say goodbye to a dear friend, and servant. Judy, may your next life, whether as a beach ball, a rubber dingy, or as a condom, may it be as fulfilling as this life was.
Nedl has requested that in lieu of flowers, everyone make a donation to the American Vulcanization Novelty Co. to help in research to find a cure so others like Judy Juggs don't succumb to the same fate. Judy will be cremated in Nedl's favorite yellow and brown thong.
Immediately after the service here in the chapel we will go to the Neighborhood Link Bar and toast our dear friends passing.
Now if you will all turn to page 63 in your songbooks, we will sing the funky disco hit "Rubber Band Man."
Thank you all for coming out today.
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